HealthWomen 's Health

My PCOS Journey Part Three!!!

PCOS post marriage
I did marry my partner citing utter transparency and honesty. My partner knew about my hormonal
complications much before we committed to each other. It was still very difficult. Generally living out a
married life is difficult given the level of adjustments, changes and scrutiny one faces within oneself and
outside.
I was so afraid of intimacy, was so confused about intercourse as a missed period might be due to
pregnancy or merely PCOS. One could never confirm. The stress began accumulating within me, our
relation and I was badly shaken up again. I began losing all the confidence, I thought I gathered to face
realities and define myself beyond the disease. It was not so easy. Like an irritating pop up on the
internet, this topic kept popping up in the most banal to most intimate conversations. I wanted to
change this, we wanted to change this but never knew a way out.
Thankfully a very focused young doctor came into our lives and gently yet firmly changed a lot of
perspectives we harbored.

  1. Recognizing idealism and reality: On one hand I had hormonal imbalances and on the other I
    imagined having a baby by naturally conceiving, a la Bollywood style! I was ready to squat and
    mop the floors and ta da give birth naturally! No C-sections for me! My doctor fundamentally
    shook me up! As much my idealism was on point, this was a very subjective zone! I would need
    to address my body first up as an entity and stop merely expecting things from her. I had to first
    cater to her needs and ensure she was healthy enough to go through the arduous process of
    childbirth. I had to first focus on gaining strength, identifying things my body lacks and working
    diligently to provide my body the exact things she needs. I needed loads of micro-nutrients,
    dense muscle mass and dogged determination to heal my body. Those realities no Bollywood
    film will ever be able to profess, so I had to set out to write my own story, chart my own course.
  2. Begin working hard: My doctor asked me a very tricky question, “Whom do you love the most?”
    In front my wedded spouse, this question seemed out of place and strange coming from a
    doctor. I struggled with the exact answer, till he deftly got it out of me! The answer was, “I love
    myself the most” He was pleased with my honesty and yet displeased with my answer. He was
    curious how could I subject myself to so much torture if I loved myself! Why did I drink so much
    dark coffee, had so many late nights, so infrequent meals, so little veggies and fresh fruits? Why
    did I dehydrate myself, why did I consume so many pills? “Is this how you treat the person you
    love the most?” I froze in realization! Self-love was great, but this was looking more like self-
    sabotage! The message I took to heart that day was, if you love yourself the most, care for
    yourself the best! And that my dear friends, needs hard work! Like with every special relation in
    our lives, where we need to constantly look out for that person’s needs, attention and care, we
    need to first do all that for our own bodies and mind! Consistently keeping our bodies hydrated,
    eating clean and healthy food and exercising is hard work. But the feeling that you are doing this
    out of love makes it lot more easier and leaves you a lot happier!
  3. Manifest your reality: Many doctors and specialists had written my case off, saying I will not be
    able to have children or cure myself of PCOS. Just this one doctor was quite miffed when I
    shared these previous diagnoses with him. Again, another question, “Do you believe everything
    your doctor tells you?” Such a tricky question, coming from a doctor! Well, the answer still
    makes me smile! Simple answer, “Do not believe in anyone else telling you anything about your

own body!” If you begin to place trust outside of your body and mind, about the wellbeing of
yourself, then you are sure in a permanent state of imbalance. Learn to trust your own instinct
and study your own body before you arrive at such conclusions. There are always doctors with
indispensable knowledge, they are needed and necessary, but they cannot be allowed to
overpower your own sense of wellbeing. Manifest your own reality! Think how you can identify
your own imbalances, sort out your faulty, harmful habits. Can you overcome your habits? Can
you train your mind to focus on healing? Can you create a new you? If you can do that, change is
possible. And when your change meets non-believers, it seems nothing short of a miracle. I
strongly believed that I deserved a more peaceful equation with my own body. I believed I could
have children if I wanted to, I wanted to have that option before I took any decision about
having any children. I believed I deserved the right to exercise my option. I always wanted it to
be my choice, not an arbitrary dead end, just handed to me.

  1. Walk many paths: Allopathic medication has literally saved my life on numerous occasions, I
    have nothing against modern medicine. At the same time, age old wisdom and alternate
    medicine has seen me through my most healing phases post allopathy cure. While the cold goes
    away in 2 days flat with a tablet or pill, the raging sore throat, the cough that lingers always is
    soothed by honey and ginger. When it came, to healing my body, I did resort to invasive modern
    medical treatment, but I always sought out alternative medicine and healing practices to
    support my body. I began practicing yoga after many years, I re-learnt meditation after ages. I
    regularly attended yoga classes, met so many girls and women with chronic diseases and
    together we were in a sisterhood of healing. I merely returned to yoga, as I knew it before. Each
    one can return to their own paths, yoga was mine. I learnt more about stopping, healing and
    believing in my own thoughts and intentions. Never doubting my journey and walking one step
    at a time.
  2. Chronicling my story: I thought it was just me, I was falling in the same self-sympathy trap
    repeatedly. Isolating myself from my spouse and family, thinking it was just about me! Slowly
    my circle began to expand. I pulled more loved ones on board and began jotting down all things
    I truly cherished in my current life. Jotting down the positives in my life helped me focus on all
    the fortunate things I was privy to. My spells of depression began to ebb, and my focus centered
    on to being positive. I did not want to be overtly positive or faking positivity but wanted to truly
    remain content. I began exploring activities that kept me occupied, made me forget the warp of
    time, for me it was photography and travel. I began learning techniques of photography, began
    taking my camera out on the most mundane trips around the house. Be it the regular road going
    to the garden or to the vegetable vendor. I captured the most joyous, natural scenes which I had
    stopped noticing and appreciating. Small flowers growing out from the broken footpaths,
    smiling fish mongers and cute cats eyeing those fish. I was grateful to my body, my senses for
    being intact. I slowly began recognizing the miracle my own human body is and noting it for
    myself.
  3. Growing resilience: In my early 20’s I never knew resilience as a trait, more like a fancy word. As
    my PCOS journey began towards healing, I finally began to clasp the meaning of this word like
    never before! There were many more periods missed, many more failed copulations and many
    more frustrating days and months to go before we could conceive! We both had to work on our
    own selves and our relationship over and over again till things worked out. It was ugly, grim,
    hard work. I learnt to dig deeper within myself. Stand up and trust my own self. It was not easy,

never is, but it was worth it all and more. Families supported us, loved us and waited with us, for
us! Our stories were not about actually having children but healing my body. That made things a
lot easier to bear. Now resilience is a really good mate on my side! Proud of my new resilient
self!
This whole healing journey was never easy, but if it were easy, I wouldn’t have embarked on it as
well! As girls, women who care for themselves first, we need to understand that this is needed, we
deserve better, we must take a break from demanding it from the society at large and first demand
it from our own selves! Accept that this is our body and our imbalance, and it can be sorted, we can
be healed because we deserve it. As someone who loves herself the most, I feel unless we learn to
love our own ugly, imbalanced, crazy bits and change them with more care and love, we can never
fully learn what it means to love others with their own ugly, imbalanced, crazy bits!

 

Leave a Reply